The Voices In My Head

I don't know why but today I have been feeling a little introspective. I guess this is really nothing new, seeing as how I tend to think too much at times about my feelings and what is really going on inside my head. Today feels different though. I have been unemployed for almost 3 months now and although I have this great little babysitting gig, it is not what I want to be doing. At all. So I have been thinking about how I feel about being unemployed and the only thing I can come up with is that it really sucks! Well to be quite honest, everytime I think about the countless jobs I have applied for and have not gotten any response at all, it makes me want to cry. So I have been sitting here asking myself, what is it about me that I need to change? What do I need to do to make myself look good so that I can be employed? What is God trying to tell me? God? I'm here. I'm listening. Hello? Are you there? Yes those things actually go through my head. Sometimes I wonder, why do I think so much about what is wrong with me...I am very hard on myself. This is just who I am. I way overthink/overanalyze EVERYTHING and I am very hard on myself. I will work on that...one day. I keep reminding myself that this is going to be a great year! Things will happen this year! I have to keep that positive attitude or else I will just sit around and feel sorry for myself. Good things are going to happen this year!

On another note, I have been thinking about my grandma. It will be a year that she has been gone and it still doesn't seem real. I still reach for the phone to call her, I still think about going to her house to see her, and I still think about all the things we said we were going to do and never had the chance to. I can still hear her voice if I listen real close. She was a very special part of my life and I had the best relationship with her and am so thinkful I did. She really was my best friend and partner in crime (as we liked to tell people). My grandma always encouraged me, always prayed for me, and always believed in me. So, I am going to make her proud!

Timing

I remember when I was seven and highschool seemed so far away! And when I was fifteen I used to say "In fifteen years I'll be thirty, that is a long time!". Well here I am exactly five months away from thirty...wow that is so close! When I thought about thirty I thought I would be married and at least have one kid. At twenty-nine and seven months I am thankful I'm not where I thought I'd be because I still don't quite feel like an adult. Thats why I named this "The Almost Adult". It's that place where your at the brink of being an adult but there is just that one (or ten) things that still make you feel like your just not quite there yet. For me it's having many friends who are younger than me, they keep me young. That sounds funny because in all actuality I am young, age is just a number. I feel like my twenties were all about growing up and figuring out what exactly I want from life. Yes, it took me that long to figure stuff out. I first had to lose everything to figure out that I have everything ahead of me.

Last year I pretty much started the year with losing my best friend in the whole world, my grandma. Followed by something I'd rather not talk about here. Then I had to resign from my job but enjoyed a great paid summer vacation. Than after finding another job was let go from it, followed by losing my mind. Yes, I lost my mind. But I will say that it took me losing just about everything to realize I have been given a gift. You may be thinking "a gift?', well yes, a gift of sorts. I have been given the gift of starting over. A new year, a new journey. Trust me, I didn't think this right away when I had hit rock bottom. Heck, I didn't even think that two weeks later. Point is, it's true what they say about when you've hit bottom the only way to go is up...and up I go! I am taking my gift and starting a new, exciting journey.

God's timing is rarely our timing, but thats the way it works. He has a plan and a purpose for everything and I fully believe that this year is going to be bigger and better. Thank you Jesus for a fresh start. I am ready to see what 2012 brings and ready to live life as I cross over from being an "Almost Adult" to an actual adult.