The Voices In My Head

I don't know why but today I have been feeling a little introspective. I guess this is really nothing new, seeing as how I tend to think too much at times about my feelings and what is really going on inside my head. Today feels different though. I have been unemployed for almost 3 months now and although I have this great little babysitting gig, it is not what I want to be doing. At all. So I have been thinking about how I feel about being unemployed and the only thing I can come up with is that it really sucks! Well to be quite honest, everytime I think about the countless jobs I have applied for and have not gotten any response at all, it makes me want to cry. So I have been sitting here asking myself, what is it about me that I need to change? What do I need to do to make myself look good so that I can be employed? What is God trying to tell me? God? I'm here. I'm listening. Hello? Are you there? Yes those things actually go through my head. Sometimes I wonder, why do I think so much about what is wrong with me...I am very hard on myself. This is just who I am. I way overthink/overanalyze EVERYTHING and I am very hard on myself. I will work on that...one day. I keep reminding myself that this is going to be a great year! Things will happen this year! I have to keep that positive attitude or else I will just sit around and feel sorry for myself. Good things are going to happen this year!

On another note, I have been thinking about my grandma. It will be a year that she has been gone and it still doesn't seem real. I still reach for the phone to call her, I still think about going to her house to see her, and I still think about all the things we said we were going to do and never had the chance to. I can still hear her voice if I listen real close. She was a very special part of my life and I had the best relationship with her and am so thinkful I did. She really was my best friend and partner in crime (as we liked to tell people). My grandma always encouraged me, always prayed for me, and always believed in me. So, I am going to make her proud!